Sneeze

I LOVE sneezing. 

I swear that’s how you know if someone is human or not… do they sneeze? Sometimes I’ll see someone sneeze as I drive by, that always makes me smile. This is arguable, but to me, it’s a simple reminder we aren't in a simulation. Though I’ll feel guilty for smiling sometimes, I forget that some people despise sneezing.

When I decided to write about sneezing, it was because I sneezed (I wonder how many times can I write “sneeze” before you all want to hurt me). There was just one that came out. There is always only one. That one sneeze though, that one little “ah-choo” experience, it was a freakin’ God send.

Looking at the sun makes you sneeze—looking at the sun will also blind you. I don’t know why the sun and a sneeze correlate, but Google confirmed it. My friend is convinced I just made this fact up. 

When a sneeze is heard, usually a little, quiet, “bless you,” will follow up, even if they’re a random stranger in the stall next to you. My dad will correct me all the time, “*May God Bless you,” to be more respectful of God, and others of course. Historically we would bless each other after a sneeze for good health; dear child, may you swerve a deadly cold. Yet today we still say it, though no one is going to die from just a sneeze… at least not post 1945 or pre 2020—’Cause nowadays, I’ve heard many people may say, “Don't give me corona,” or, “They got the vid,” succeeding a vocalized sneeze.

It’s funny the things people choose to say after hearing a sneeze. Apparently, saying out-of-pocket words will help stop a sneeze. So, just think about what’s in the door of your fridge, pick out some of your favorite condiments: ketchup, mayo, pickles, tabasco sauce, and save them for the next time you wish to avoid a mini nasal blast. 

You can gain a sense of whether people prefer sneezing or not when you voice, “I feel like I’m about to sneeze.” Do they offer help to prevent, or do they offer advice to activate?

It’s also funny to hear the things people say when you talk about sneezing. I was sitting in a hair salon getting my hair dyed as I was thinking about why I like sneezing so much. My hairdresser, who I’d just met, had left to mix the hair dye, when she came back I sprung the question, “When you sneeze, how many times do you do it?” She was a two-time sneezer, so thankfully she understood what I was asking. One-time sneezers, like myself, we don’t often consider the other ways life may have been. I swear, for at least 5 minutes we talked about sneezing. And here is the best thing that I learned: She goes, 

“No, I LOVE sneezing. Sometimes, I will put a q-tip in my nose and move it around just to make myself sneeze.”

This piece of knowledge, this humorous interaction, immediately trumped the joyous feeling I gained from that initial sneeze that sparked this essay. I have never intentionally tickled my nose, but I was so impressed that I learned this kind of guilty pleasure, from a stranger, from such a simple question.

It’s a strange inquisition for sure, but one everyone will have something to add on to it, everyone sneezes. It’s our body’s literal outward reaction to help maintain homeostasis, a reflex we can't control and can’t live without (actually, I think there’s a condition where some people can't sneeze. But I’ve heard that they hate their life). That’s why I feel someone can be verified as human if they’re caught sneezing (unless they’re a baby sneezer, like the ones that make a high pitch chirp. Your body wants to sneeze, let that baby loose. You’re not real in mind, sorry mom). It’s also a weird enough question to cue someone into sharing something more personal yet not overly explicit, I think.

I was so optimistic with this first response that later that night I asked a group of my friends the same question. I found out I’m the outcast, all my friends are quantity sneezers. 

Now I don’t know what this says about me or the people I surround myself with. Maybe we’re a bunch of weirdos, but maybe all humans are weirdos. I currently feel this quite possibly  is the greatest icebreaker I’ve ever conceived, and will continue to ask until convinced otherwise. How many times do you sneeze when you sneeze?

This blog sneezed 37 times.